So, after storming out of the last counselling session, it would appear that we are in a holding pattern. She is waiting for me to get over it and I am finding that I need more to "get over it" - more than her saying "get over it."
And, not only am I not getting help from her, she is increasingly angry that I am angry. It is quite the circle.
I want to be able to get over it. I told her the other night that I wish I could get back to the way it was. Her response - her angry response - was that I am not letting myself get over it. I am the one going on and on. She has stopped communicating with the guy.
(I maintain that the only reason she stopped was because I caught them. On the night I caught them they were exchanging explicit emails referring to the next time they were going to get together. For some reason, to me, that makes a difference. It's like snatching a cigarette out of a smoker's mouth to have them reply, "See, I've stopped." But you didn't want to. And you were still doing it. And now you are actually somewhat mad at me for making you stop because you really wanted to finish that pack. I acknowledge that it is somewhat unfair of me, but a large part of me wants to yell, "But that doesn't count. You didn't want to!")
So where was I?
As usual. Resentful. Sad. Angry. Wishing that she would do something to convince me that she feels bad and that it was a mistake. The fact that she doesn't do that ... well, I'm not ready to face the implications of that yet.
You are totally justified in wanting her to show remorse and regret. And your cigarette analogy is a good one!
ReplyDeleteCould there have been a part of her that wanted to get caught?
Yes. I continue to think the cigarette analogy is a good one!
ReplyDeleteI am not sure if she wanted to get caught. I think she was genuinely surprised. She has acknowledged that there was nowhere for their relationship to go, so, perhaps in some way it provided her an out. She was enjoying it, but, at the same time realized the pointlessness in it. (Again - it was a very selfish act.)
But you raise a good point. I may have to ask her. I'll let you know.
Or, to continue the cigarette analogy, she knew smoking was bad for her and she knew she would have to stop sometime. She probably would have thought of a way to stop on her own eventually - and not cold turkey. But, like a smoker, she was genuinely enjoying smoking and didn't see - or minimized - the long term implications.
DeleteI think wanting genuine repentance is entirely natural (and reasonable). Her anger may be stemming from several sources. She may feel humiliated at being found out, she may genuinely feel awful to have hurt you, she may feel guilt over her behavior, and (I'm sorry) she may be grieving the loss of her fantasy.
ReplyDeleteUntil she's ready to really accept the terrible pain she's caused you and acknowledge her behavior AND begin to rebuild the relationship, you may indeed feel as though you are in a holding pattern. It may be good for you to take a "time out" where you just go and grab a cup of coffee with a friend or family member and spend some time just relaxing -- put this to the side to deal with later when you've re-energized.
Reasonable words. Thank you!
DeleteGreat advice, Anonymous. I agree with all of it.
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