Getting Past the Hurt - Can't Do It. Part 1

I read two posts today that seem to fit me exactly.  They are closely related, and, since Jeff Murrah has already done the legwork, I am simply going to respond to his words here.

I read this blog regularly.  Here is the first entry, edited, with my responses:

How do I mentally get over a cheating woman?

Beginning in media re ... my comments are italicized in brackets.

The freezing of time with trauma is one of the first obstacles to overcome.

With this ‘freezing’ effect, the cheating seems to have happened ‘just yesterday’. [YES, YES, YES!! I said virtually these exact words to my spouse! YES, YES, YES!] In the world of emotions, time is meaningless. In the world of emotions, you will feel as if the emotions are just as raw as when it first happened. [Absolutely. Time has not passed. Absolutely, precisely.] Like a scratch in a record that forces the album to repeat something over and over to the point of irritation, the trauma keeps playing repeatedly in your head and heart. [Endlessly.]

Emotional reality operates on a different set of rules than cognitive or objective reality. In cognitive or objective reality you can look at a calender and see how long it has been since the cheating. Your intellect can begin calculating distance from you and the affair, yet your heart refuses to allow any distance to happen. This puts you in a bind between your head and heart. [Intellect and logic do not come into play. Emotion completely and utterly overrides everything.]

Unfreezing a trauma often involves resolving whatever emotional issues the trauma brought up for you. In the case of a cheating wife, your issues may include issues of betrayal, being lied to, being defrauded, the loss of your manhood, embarrassment, or any number of others. Each of these issues will need some resolution before you can move on. [This is among the most difficult parts for me. I do not know what emotional issues I need to get over. And, at this point, I honestly don't see myself getting over them. I can not see beyond day by day.]

Blog Etiquette: Is is appropriate to create a blog entry by copying and pasting someone else's? I have probably approached some line here, but let me be clear. I am responding to Jeff Murrah's words in a blog I read regularly at, http://surviveyourpartnersaffair.com/ . This entry - and another closely related entry, really hit home with me today and I felt compelled to react. He expressed better than I could exactly what I felt regarding moving past the hurt. Thank you Jeff Murrah. (I hope you don't mind me repeating and sharing your words.)

Women's Infidelity

Well, I feel as if I have stepped into something here. Or, at the very least I have walked in on someone else's uncomfortable discussion. I will avoid all the noise surrounding this and get to the point.

Apparently a book called Women's Infidelity has caused somewhat of a stir. (The website is here: http://womensinfidelity.com/) I have spent very little time with it, and, frankly, don't intend to. It is a little too detailed - and a little too late! - for what I need. So I will not get distracted on it.

However, there was one paragraph that seemed to express my spouse's circumstances exactly! Here it is in the discussion of "Stage 4":

The women in stage four included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that marital sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave their husband and did not feel torn between the two. Others realized that their feelings were intensified by not sharing day-to-day living arrangements with their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner’s primary relationship.

I have highlighted the particular relevant items with bold font. The are "did not feel torn between the two" and "without disrupting either partner's primary relationship." This is exactly and precisely what my wife felt! She continues to maintain that her feelings for each of us were independent and had nothing to do with each other.

I don't know what to make of it - I have some deadlines coming up and other things I need to work on. But I wanted to put this out there. I will reflect on it more later.

Big Fat Lie

Admittedly, things are going better.  In other words, for the past few weeks (since I last wrote) she has tried, well, to be nicer.  Ok.  That's a start.

However, I am hounded by the fact that her life for the past six months was a big fat lie.  Everything we did was coupled with him.  Are the experiences we shared genuine?  In part.  But they are clouded over by the knowledge that, for example, the mystery text you received at that time?  That was from him.  The great time we had that day?  Oh, that was the same week you were with him.  The words of love and affection you were typing?  Those were for him.

How did she keep up that lie?  How did she maintain that front?

She would argue that it doesn't change what we shared.  But it does.

[Is a bowling analogy apt here?  Although you may knock down all the pins in one frame, you don't actually score that frame until you know what happens in the next two rolls.  And yes, those rolls can negate the good from the previous frame.  Ok.  Maybe it doesn't work.  Don't get distracted.]

Nevertheless.  I am not feeling close to her today because I am dwelling on the lie that she lived.  Yes, things have gone better.  But things haven't gone away for me.  Do I pretend I am not having an emotional hiccup right now?  Or do I acknowledge it to her?

She is going through the motions now of appearing to reconcile.  I don't want to seem ungrateful, but you were going through the motions before too.

I'm actually kind of numb.  And I don't want to blow it if you are genuine in your expressions.  But I don't want to be tricked again either.

So I don't know how to respond.  You are finally being nice, and I don't know how to respond.