Big Fat Lie

Admittedly, things are going better.  In other words, for the past few weeks (since I last wrote) she has tried, well, to be nicer.  Ok.  That's a start.

However, I am hounded by the fact that her life for the past six months was a big fat lie.  Everything we did was coupled with him.  Are the experiences we shared genuine?  In part.  But they are clouded over by the knowledge that, for example, the mystery text you received at that time?  That was from him.  The great time we had that day?  Oh, that was the same week you were with him.  The words of love and affection you were typing?  Those were for him.

How did she keep up that lie?  How did she maintain that front?

She would argue that it doesn't change what we shared.  But it does.

[Is a bowling analogy apt here?  Although you may knock down all the pins in one frame, you don't actually score that frame until you know what happens in the next two rolls.  And yes, those rolls can negate the good from the previous frame.  Ok.  Maybe it doesn't work.  Don't get distracted.]

Nevertheless.  I am not feeling close to her today because I am dwelling on the lie that she lived.  Yes, things have gone better.  But things haven't gone away for me.  Do I pretend I am not having an emotional hiccup right now?  Or do I acknowledge it to her?

She is going through the motions now of appearing to reconcile.  I don't want to seem ungrateful, but you were going through the motions before too.

I'm actually kind of numb.  And I don't want to blow it if you are genuine in your expressions.  But I don't want to be tricked again either.

So I don't know how to respond.  You are finally being nice, and I don't know how to respond.

Starting Down the Spiral Path - Again

So, this morning I have once again started down the path of dwelling on things.  And my mind spins.

We don't talk about the event or circumstances at home, so I feel like I am in limbo.  I don't know where my thoughts stand with her, much less myself.  We are busy with kids and schedules and home repair, and I am just going through the motions.

I think for her it is easier, in some respects.  She has had her fun and now she is just waiting for me to get past this.  I am put off by her lack of concern and smugness.

But I keep this all to myself because it doesn't go anywhere.

I have no faith in working things out, at this point, and it wears on me.

First Joint Meeting with Counselor

So, the first joint meeting is over.  And our mission is to find a way where she can demonstrate to me that I still mean something to her.

Or something like that.

Yes.  I am confused too.  And I resent it.