Again? Still? Why is my hand being forced?

So, it appears she is now reaching out to another old boyfriend/flame.  The pattern is exactly the same.  I know, I know.  She is going to argue that it isn't - but it is.  Why does she have to reach out period?  What the hell?  It starts out with little "innocent" emails.  Then, the event blossoms from there.

Whatever the intent - why would she do this again?

I wish I could think of an analogy.

If you get caught speeding, the next time you are down that road, you have to slow down.

If you are caught with your friend's drugs, the next time they ask you to hold a package, say no.

Why put yourself in this situation - even if it is innocent?

I am so beside myself I do not know what to do.

Holding Pattern

So, after storming out of the last counselling session, it would appear that we are in a holding pattern.  She is waiting for me to get over it and I am finding that I need more to "get over it" - more than her saying "get over it."

And, not only am I not getting help from her, she is increasingly angry that I am angry.  It is quite the circle.

I want to be able to get over it.  I told her the other night that I wish I could get back to the way it was.  Her response - her angry response - was that I am not letting myself get over it.  I am the one going on and on.  She has stopped communicating with the guy.

(I maintain that the only reason she stopped was because I caught them.  On the night I caught them they were exchanging explicit emails referring to the next time they were going to get together.  For some reason, to me, that makes a difference.  It's like snatching a cigarette out of a smoker's mouth to have them reply, "See, I've stopped."  But you didn't want to.  And you were still doing it.  And now you are actually somewhat mad at me for making you stop because you really wanted to finish that pack.  I acknowledge that it is somewhat unfair of me, but a large part of me wants to yell, "But that doesn't count.  You didn't want to!")

So where was I?

As usual.  Resentful.  Sad.  Angry.  Wishing that she would do something to convince me that she feels bad and that it was a mistake.  The fact that she doesn't do that ... well, I'm not ready to face the implications of that yet.

Anger is My Companion Today

Look, intellectually, I know it is not healthy.  But I am angry today and I am going to embrace it.

Discussions last night took an ugly turn, and yet, I am being made out to be the bad guy.  I am the one taking it too far.

She is the one, however, who did NOT delete the email account the two of them used.  And, in fact, she reactivated it last week on the off chance that he did try to contact her.

Loud voices punctuated by finger pointing followed, at which point I was labeled as reading too much into it and taking it too far.

[Let me interject, here - there never has been an occasion of physical violence, nor has this been insinuated.  But, yes, I do get loud and I do emphasize my words with literal finger-pointing ... from across the room.  That, apparently, is taking it too far.  I believe yelling and finger pointing are, although not helpful, perhaps, are not surprising and not atypical reactions to the events that happened.  But apparently I don't get a pass on that.]

All of this sounds crazy.  How can this be spun that I am the one going too far?  Ok.  Maybe she didn't contact him again.  (Hard to say, exactly.)  But hell, she left the door open for him!  What would have happened if he had walked in?

And, again, I am the one taking things too far - imagining things that didn't happen.  Getting angry over something I made up in my head.

So, today, Anger, welcome.  Sit beside me.  Can I get you anything?  Don't be shy.  If you need something, let me know.  I appreciate your being here.

Angry? At me?

So, I don't get the anger directed at me.  This may be one of the toughest things to take - at least for this five minutes.  My hurts rotate and go up and down - but for now, I don't understand the anger.  On the one hand, I don't get a free pass when I screw up.  But don't I get some leeway?  And, it seems that the anger when I do screw up is greater than it should be.  Why am I the one trying to keep my anger in check?  Why am I the one making the greater (as I perceive it) effort.  I have a LOT more to get over other than the fact that I came home from the grocery store with everything except the one thing I went to get.

If we are measuring responses, I am a lot more justified in being angry than she is.  And yet, I'm the one in the proverbial doghouse.

I just want to be treated nicely.  Don't I at least deserve that?