Holding Pattern

So, after storming out of the last counselling session, it would appear that we are in a holding pattern.  She is waiting for me to get over it and I am finding that I need more to "get over it" - more than her saying "get over it."

And, not only am I not getting help from her, she is increasingly angry that I am angry.  It is quite the circle.

I want to be able to get over it.  I told her the other night that I wish I could get back to the way it was.  Her response - her angry response - was that I am not letting myself get over it.  I am the one going on and on.  She has stopped communicating with the guy.

(I maintain that the only reason she stopped was because I caught them.  On the night I caught them they were exchanging explicit emails referring to the next time they were going to get together.  For some reason, to me, that makes a difference.  It's like snatching a cigarette out of a smoker's mouth to have them reply, "See, I've stopped."  But you didn't want to.  And you were still doing it.  And now you are actually somewhat mad at me for making you stop because you really wanted to finish that pack.  I acknowledge that it is somewhat unfair of me, but a large part of me wants to yell, "But that doesn't count.  You didn't want to!")

So where was I?

As usual.  Resentful.  Sad.  Angry.  Wishing that she would do something to convince me that she feels bad and that it was a mistake.  The fact that she doesn't do that ... well, I'm not ready to face the implications of that yet.

Starting Down the Spiral Path - Again

So, this morning I have once again started down the path of dwelling on things.  And my mind spins.

We don't talk about the event or circumstances at home, so I feel like I am in limbo.  I don't know where my thoughts stand with her, much less myself.  We are busy with kids and schedules and home repair, and I am just going through the motions.

I think for her it is easier, in some respects.  She has had her fun and now she is just waiting for me to get past this.  I am put off by her lack of concern and smugness.

But I keep this all to myself because it doesn't go anywhere.

I have no faith in working things out, at this point, and it wears on me.