Admittedly, things are going better. In other words, for the past few weeks (since I last wrote) she has tried, well, to be nicer. Ok. That's a start.
However, I am hounded by the fact that her life for the past six months was a big fat lie. Everything we did was coupled with him. Are the experiences we shared genuine? In part. But they are clouded over by the knowledge that, for example, the mystery text you received at that time? That was from him. The great time we had that day? Oh, that was the same week you were with him. The words of love and affection you were typing? Those were for him.
How did she keep up that lie? How did she maintain that front?
She would argue that it doesn't change what we shared. But it does.
[Is a bowling analogy apt here? Although you may knock down all the pins in one frame, you don't actually score that frame until you know what happens in the next two rolls. And yes, those rolls can negate the good from the previous frame. Ok. Maybe it doesn't work. Don't get distracted.]
Nevertheless. I am not feeling close to her today because I am dwelling on the lie that she lived. Yes, things have gone better. But things haven't gone away for me. Do I pretend I am not having an emotional hiccup right now? Or do I acknowledge it to her?
She is going through the motions now of appearing to reconcile. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but you were going through the motions before too.
I'm actually kind of numb. And I don't want to blow it if you are genuine in your expressions. But I don't want to be tricked again either.
So I don't know how to respond. You are finally being nice, and I don't know how to respond.
She compartmentalized her feelings and behaviors. What she had with you was genuine in her mind. Of course, you aren't going to see it that way because her duplicity betrayed you. There's no way for you to compartmentalize her behavior because of what it's done to you and what it means to you.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's a wrong or right way for you to respond. I completely understand not wanting to share your hurt and vulnerability right now with someone who has betrayed you. Do you have a pastor or counselor with whom you can work through your feelings?
Thank you, Anonymous. I am grateful for your words.
DeleteI hadn't thought of the fact that she compartmentalized. But I tell you, it is hard to understand that. And, frankly, I don't want to accept that - irrationally so, perhaps.
And no, I do not have a pastor or counselor. And no friends I can confide in either. Thus the blog.
Perhaps I will work on the compartmentalization. Perhaps I can try to understand that. At least intellectually that would keep me from throwing everything away. Emotionally, however, I just don't know how that is possible.
But, again, thank you. (Clearly, I am taking your comments to heart.)
The feelings you describe make perfect sense. I would be the same way, replaying past situations and events in my head, but using my new found perspective to re-interpret them. Perhaps on some level you are kicking yourself for not being suspicious of that mystery text or email, etc.
ReplyDeleteBut I do also understand her position that the experiences she shared with you were genuine. I think that means she's saying she really does love you and really did enjoy being with you. It wasn't faked.
Maybe it's a little bit like experiences with your children. You can spend the afternoon with child #1 and completely love being with him. Then you can spend the next afternoon with child #2 and completely love being with her. The love for one one does not diminish the love for the other.
Granted, that is not how married adults are supposed to conduct themselves. But maybe thinking of that example can help you believe that her shared experiences with you were genuine and heartfelt.
Jamie. Intellectually, you are, of course, correct. And I can see that. But, oh, is it hard to see that and accept it from my current emotional state! I know I will have to cross that bridge at some point, if reconciliation is in the cards. I will have to accept that her feelings for me were genuine. But when I put him in there my head spins! I have to be strong and confident now when feel weakest and completely insecure. It is hard to put on that confident face, sometimes. Ok... a LOT of the time.
DeleteSigh.
But, as always, I am so grateful for your comments. Thank you so much.