Let me be clear - and this is supported by her - I had no hand in this. It was pure selfishness on her part. Honestly, our life was going great. We enjoyed spending time together, as a couple and as a family. Our sex life was great. Home repairs were rocking and rolling.
She sought out this old boyfriend on her own and engaged in this behavior for six months.
So when I am told that I can take this opportunity to improve what we had - we had it awesome! And she agrees. Don't give me this "surely there was something you could have done" business. No. She did this all her own.
And yet, the effort falls on me. And I don't have the strength to do it. All I see is him and her. All I hear is her words to him - words that I thought I alone was hearing.
I can not progress past this point.
"All I hear is her words to him -- words that I thought I alone was hearing." That made me tear up, it is so heartfelt and heart-wrenching. I don't know you but I'm thinking of you today.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Jamie. I appreciate your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIt's going to take time,. A LOT of time. You will hear those word and see those images for a long time. Your effort in the healing is, at this point, to do what you are doing. You are still hurting - don't deny the hurt. Let it be with you. It's okay to feel angry. It will become less painful as time goes on.
ReplyDeleteAs far as her part, you can't make her deny her feelings either. She is likely feeling humiliated and frustrated because of the situation she has put herself (and you) in. She might be replaying the whole affair in her mind as well, thinking "I shouldn't have ..."
You both will come out of this stronger over time. Hopefully you will know some of the warning signs and hopefully she will consider the consequences before she contacts an old flame.
Peace,
Thomas Bittner
The Genuine Husband
http://genuinehusband.blogspot.com/
Thank you very much, Thomas. (I have enjoyed your site, by the way.) In re-reading my posts I think, yep, I have the anger part down. That and hurt. Thank you for affirming that both are ok. It is incredibly difficult to imagine getting past this point. But you, and others, have said it is possible. I am open to it, but find it hard to believe. To that end, your words help.
ReplyDeleteI genuinely thank you for your comments. It is tough going it alone.
As a fellow affair survivor, I can tell you that the tunnel can be very long and very dark, but there can be light at the end of it. My husband had a long-term affair with a girl of just 19 while I was pregnant with our child. From his point of view, I'd withdrawn somewhat because I was struggling with some serious pregnancy-related health problems and after the birth, I had post-partum depression. The bottom line was that I wasn't there for him.
ReplyDeleteDoes that sound like I'm accepting part of the blame for his affair? I am not and I do not. While I understand that he may have felt as though he'd been back-burnered, this was a time of life that I needed him desperately. But his every waking moment was spent with this 19 year old. It took us a long time to get past it, perhaps even more so because he had such mixed feelings about her and about me.
We did, though. I stopped focusing on his betrayal of me and our marriage and spent hours praying. I didn't pray that God would change his heart but that He'd change mine. I prayed that God would grant me peace and help me love my husband no matter what, since that is what I vowed to do. It was not easy. I had hate in my heart for a long time, but I did my best to focus on behaving with nothing but love towards him. I may have hated him, but I committed to giving him my best. There were no harsh words, no remonstrations, no guilting. I simply did kind things for him.
It was a terrifying day the day that I realized I was beginning to love him again because he still hadn't decided between her and me. I knew that I was going to be hurt again; I just knew it. My heart was so tender and still aching so much from the affair. But then, not long after, my husband looked into my eyes and told me he loved me.
Since then, we've strengthened our relationship and created something that I can honestly say is beautiful. I won't lie and say that I never think "What if" or have doubts. But they are far less frequent than they once were, and I know that he is secure in my love.
All that to say this: While it can seem unimaginable right now to think of continuing, there can be happy endings even for couples who have suffered the deepest pains. My best wishes for you, and you will both be in my prayers.
(Anonymous for obvious reasons)
Wow. Thank you for sharing that with me. It means a lot to me that you are willing to share your experience with me.
DeleteThank you.
Hi John,
ReplyDeleteFrom my end... I guess you know that my marriage did not work out. For it to work out, it would have needed both of us to want it.
I did get a lot of sound advice on how I would keep it going if we choosed to do that though:
1: She needs to recognise that you might be angry at her for a long time and it is her responsibility to earn your trust back and to wait for the wounds to heal
2: She is to cease contact with the man and allow her life to be an open book to you.
3: You need to be prepared to let her try and to give it a go.
Maybe you guys will work it out. You might not.
I sincerely hope you do work it out though.
It will take a long time and a lot of work from both of you.
Your emotions are real and you should not have to apologise for them. Likewise, her emotions (whether justified or not) are real. It is what you both choose to do with those emotions is what will make the difference.
Thank you, Katy!
Delete