A rather boring - but important - note on the administration of this blog.
I have enabled anonymous comments.
I welcome (even crave) comments. So, please, comment away - even anonymously.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Blame
The All Knowing Internet will ask you to examine your contribution to the affair. Were you not loving enough? Were there things you could have done differently? Did you work too much?
Let me be clear - and this is supported by her - I had no hand in this. It was pure selfishness on her part. Honestly, our life was going great. We enjoyed spending time together, as a couple and as a family. Our sex life was great. Home repairs were rocking and rolling.
She sought out this old boyfriend on her own and engaged in this behavior for six months.
So when I am told that I can take this opportunity to improve what we had - we had it awesome! And she agrees. Don't give me this "surely there was something you could have done" business. No. She did this all her own.
And yet, the effort falls on me. And I don't have the strength to do it. All I see is him and her. All I hear is her words to him - words that I thought I alone was hearing.
I can not progress past this point.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Holding Pattern
So, after storming out of the last counselling session, it would appear that we are in a holding pattern. She is waiting for me to get over it and I am finding that I need more to "get over it" - more than her saying "get over it."
And, not only am I not getting help from her, she is increasingly angry that I am angry. It is quite the circle.
I want to be able to get over it. I told her the other night that I wish I could get back to the way it was. Her response - her angry response - was that I am not letting myself get over it. I am the one going on and on. She has stopped communicating with the guy.
(I maintain that the only reason she stopped was because I caught them. On the night I caught them they were exchanging explicit emails referring to the next time they were going to get together. For some reason, to me, that makes a difference. It's like snatching a cigarette out of a smoker's mouth to have them reply, "See, I've stopped." But you didn't want to. And you were still doing it. And now you are actually somewhat mad at me for making you stop because you really wanted to finish that pack. I acknowledge that it is somewhat unfair of me, but a large part of me wants to yell, "But that doesn't count. You didn't want to!")
So where was I?
As usual. Resentful. Sad. Angry. Wishing that she would do something to convince me that she feels bad and that it was a mistake. The fact that she doesn't do that ... well, I'm not ready to face the implications of that yet.
And, not only am I not getting help from her, she is increasingly angry that I am angry. It is quite the circle.
I want to be able to get over it. I told her the other night that I wish I could get back to the way it was. Her response - her angry response - was that I am not letting myself get over it. I am the one going on and on. She has stopped communicating with the guy.
(I maintain that the only reason she stopped was because I caught them. On the night I caught them they were exchanging explicit emails referring to the next time they were going to get together. For some reason, to me, that makes a difference. It's like snatching a cigarette out of a smoker's mouth to have them reply, "See, I've stopped." But you didn't want to. And you were still doing it. And now you are actually somewhat mad at me for making you stop because you really wanted to finish that pack. I acknowledge that it is somewhat unfair of me, but a large part of me wants to yell, "But that doesn't count. You didn't want to!")
So where was I?
As usual. Resentful. Sad. Angry. Wishing that she would do something to convince me that she feels bad and that it was a mistake. The fact that she doesn't do that ... well, I'm not ready to face the implications of that yet.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Anger is My Companion Today
Look, intellectually, I know it is not healthy. But I am angry today and I am going to embrace it.
Discussions last night took an ugly turn, and yet, I am being made out to be the bad guy. I am the one taking it too far.
She is the one, however, who did NOT delete the email account the two of them used. And, in fact, she reactivated it last week on the off chance that he did try to contact her.
Loud voices punctuated by finger pointing followed, at which point I was labeled as reading too much into it and taking it too far.
[Let me interject, here - there never has been an occasion of physical violence, nor has this been insinuated. But, yes, I do get loud and I do emphasize my words with literal finger-pointing ... from across the room. That, apparently, is taking it too far. I believe yelling and finger pointing are, although not helpful, perhaps, are not surprising and not atypical reactions to the events that happened. But apparently I don't get a pass on that.]
All of this sounds crazy. How can this be spun that I am the one going too far? Ok. Maybe she didn't contact him again. (Hard to say, exactly.) But hell, she left the door open for him! What would have happened if he had walked in?
And, again, I am the one taking things too far - imagining things that didn't happen. Getting angry over something I made up in my head.
So, today, Anger, welcome. Sit beside me. Can I get you anything? Don't be shy. If you need something, let me know. I appreciate your being here.
Discussions last night took an ugly turn, and yet, I am being made out to be the bad guy. I am the one taking it too far.
She is the one, however, who did NOT delete the email account the two of them used. And, in fact, she reactivated it last week on the off chance that he did try to contact her.
Loud voices punctuated by finger pointing followed, at which point I was labeled as reading too much into it and taking it too far.
[Let me interject, here - there never has been an occasion of physical violence, nor has this been insinuated. But, yes, I do get loud and I do emphasize my words with literal finger-pointing ... from across the room. That, apparently, is taking it too far. I believe yelling and finger pointing are, although not helpful, perhaps, are not surprising and not atypical reactions to the events that happened. But apparently I don't get a pass on that.]
All of this sounds crazy. How can this be spun that I am the one going too far? Ok. Maybe she didn't contact him again. (Hard to say, exactly.) But hell, she left the door open for him! What would have happened if he had walked in?
And, again, I am the one taking things too far - imagining things that didn't happen. Getting angry over something I made up in my head.
So, today, Anger, welcome. Sit beside me. Can I get you anything? Don't be shy. If you need something, let me know. I appreciate your being here.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Starting Down the Spiral Path - Again
So, this morning I have once again started down the path of dwelling on things. And my mind spins.
We don't talk about the event or circumstances at home, so I feel like I am in limbo. I don't know where my thoughts stand with her, much less myself. We are busy with kids and schedules and home repair, and I am just going through the motions.
I think for her it is easier, in some respects. She has had her fun and now she is just waiting for me to get past this. I am put off by her lack of concern and smugness.
But I keep this all to myself because it doesn't go anywhere.
I have no faith in working things out, at this point, and it wears on me.
We don't talk about the event or circumstances at home, so I feel like I am in limbo. I don't know where my thoughts stand with her, much less myself. We are busy with kids and schedules and home repair, and I am just going through the motions.
I think for her it is easier, in some respects. She has had her fun and now she is just waiting for me to get past this. I am put off by her lack of concern and smugness.
But I keep this all to myself because it doesn't go anywhere.
I have no faith in working things out, at this point, and it wears on me.
Monday, March 3, 2014
A Fellow Blogger Deserves Credit
I have found this blog post - and love it!
"... I just feel and think. I feel empty, angry, devastated, happy, lonely, scared and hopeful. I think about all of the signs that I have missed, my future without him, my future with him and mourn the relationship I once had."
This specific posts describes the day she found out about her husbands affair. I can so relate to her emotional response. I feel compelled to copy and paste this paragraph:
"... I just feel and think. I feel empty, angry, devastated, happy, lonely, scared and hopeful. I think about all of the signs that I have missed, my future without him, my future with him and mourn the relationship I once had."
I know the feeling, I appreciate the feeling, I live in that feeling.
Thank you again, Katy.
The Work Week Begins
And so , the week-end is over and time for a different kind of stress.
During the week-end, the stress is about being together. Will things go well or not? Will we talk or not? We will pretend things are normal, or will she acknowledge that the situation stinks?
Although that stress is quite frustrating, it is a known stress. At work I am left to my own mind and my own self. Paranoia creeps in. (Is she contacting him?) Self-doubt comes to the fore. (What the heck am I doing?) I am left to my own thoughts.
It is difficult to manage my thoughts on my own. And, honestly, sometimes I don't even try. I just sit at my desk and let the ugly thoughts flow. I'm not proud of it, necessarily. But it does happen.
During the week-end, the stress is about being together. Will things go well or not? Will we talk or not? We will pretend things are normal, or will she acknowledge that the situation stinks?
Although that stress is quite frustrating, it is a known stress. At work I am left to my own mind and my own self. Paranoia creeps in. (Is she contacting him?) Self-doubt comes to the fore. (What the heck am I doing?) I am left to my own thoughts.
It is difficult to manage my thoughts on my own. And, honestly, sometimes I don't even try. I just sit at my desk and let the ugly thoughts flow. I'm not proud of it, necessarily. But it does happen.
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