Update

I wish I had an update.

I wish things were different.

But I don't.

I swear, it is as if time hasn't passed.  If you ask me, it is because she has not helped make it past.  She doesn't feel bad and she is just waiting for me to get over it.  Same old same old.  I did get an apology a few weeks ago - finally.  I thought that would make a difference.  And it did - a little.

But now I am stuck in that not wanting to continue this marriage.

So why do I do it?

I am questioning that more and more.

I Don't Feel Like It Today

Sometimes I can push everything down and try to be nice and understanding.

I just don't have the energy today.  I just can't do it.

I have had a good string of being decent and accepting and there have been some good moments.

I'm just hitting bottom today, and I don't know why.  I suppose I should try.  The counselor would suggest it.  But damn it...  I don't feel like it.

I just don't feel like it today.

Blame and Guilt

I hate it that if I get angry, I am made to feel bad.

This affair has not been resolved, and when it bubbles up again and I question your commitment, you make me feel worse - as if I am not allowed to have these feelings.

Well, guess what.  I feel like crap.  I am struggling to work through this.  And if I have a bad day, you need to suck it up and take it.  I know I can't punish you forever.  But dammit, this sucks.

(And I'm allowed to be pissed off that you are checking him out on Facebook.)

When I am pissed off about it, don't threaten me that I am going to lose you.

Again? Still? Why is my hand being forced?

So, it appears she is now reaching out to another old boyfriend/flame.  The pattern is exactly the same.  I know, I know.  She is going to argue that it isn't - but it is.  Why does she have to reach out period?  What the hell?  It starts out with little "innocent" emails.  Then, the event blossoms from there.

Whatever the intent - why would she do this again?

I wish I could think of an analogy.

If you get caught speeding, the next time you are down that road, you have to slow down.

If you are caught with your friend's drugs, the next time they ask you to hold a package, say no.

Why put yourself in this situation - even if it is innocent?

I am so beside myself I do not know what to do.

Same Behavior, Different Guy

So, in my snooping, I have discovered that in the past week she has contacted another old boyfriend.  I believe she is now using a different email address.  She is sneaking around.

So, do I confront her, and thereby admit my snooping?

Or just get the heck out.

Too much for me.  Too much.

Getting Past the Hurt - Can't Do It. Part 1

I read two posts today that seem to fit me exactly.  They are closely related, and, since Jeff Murrah has already done the legwork, I am simply going to respond to his words here.

I read this blog regularly.  Here is the first entry, edited, with my responses:

How do I mentally get over a cheating woman?

Beginning in media re ... my comments are italicized in brackets.

The freezing of time with trauma is one of the first obstacles to overcome.

With this ‘freezing’ effect, the cheating seems to have happened ‘just yesterday’. [YES, YES, YES!! I said virtually these exact words to my spouse! YES, YES, YES!] In the world of emotions, time is meaningless. In the world of emotions, you will feel as if the emotions are just as raw as when it first happened. [Absolutely. Time has not passed. Absolutely, precisely.] Like a scratch in a record that forces the album to repeat something over and over to the point of irritation, the trauma keeps playing repeatedly in your head and heart. [Endlessly.]

Emotional reality operates on a different set of rules than cognitive or objective reality. In cognitive or objective reality you can look at a calender and see how long it has been since the cheating. Your intellect can begin calculating distance from you and the affair, yet your heart refuses to allow any distance to happen. This puts you in a bind between your head and heart. [Intellect and logic do not come into play. Emotion completely and utterly overrides everything.]

Unfreezing a trauma often involves resolving whatever emotional issues the trauma brought up for you. In the case of a cheating wife, your issues may include issues of betrayal, being lied to, being defrauded, the loss of your manhood, embarrassment, or any number of others. Each of these issues will need some resolution before you can move on. [This is among the most difficult parts for me. I do not know what emotional issues I need to get over. And, at this point, I honestly don't see myself getting over them. I can not see beyond day by day.]

Blog Etiquette: Is is appropriate to create a blog entry by copying and pasting someone else's? I have probably approached some line here, but let me be clear. I am responding to Jeff Murrah's words in a blog I read regularly at, http://surviveyourpartnersaffair.com/ . This entry - and another closely related entry, really hit home with me today and I felt compelled to react. He expressed better than I could exactly what I felt regarding moving past the hurt. Thank you Jeff Murrah. (I hope you don't mind me repeating and sharing your words.)

Women's Infidelity

Well, I feel as if I have stepped into something here. Or, at the very least I have walked in on someone else's uncomfortable discussion. I will avoid all the noise surrounding this and get to the point.

Apparently a book called Women's Infidelity has caused somewhat of a stir. (The website is here: http://womensinfidelity.com/) I have spent very little time with it, and, frankly, don't intend to. It is a little too detailed - and a little too late! - for what I need. So I will not get distracted on it.

However, there was one paragraph that seemed to express my spouse's circumstances exactly! Here it is in the discussion of "Stage 4":

The women in stage four included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that marital sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave their husband and did not feel torn between the two. Others realized that their feelings were intensified by not sharing day-to-day living arrangements with their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner’s primary relationship.

I have highlighted the particular relevant items with bold font. The are "did not feel torn between the two" and "without disrupting either partner's primary relationship." This is exactly and precisely what my wife felt! She continues to maintain that her feelings for each of us were independent and had nothing to do with each other.

I don't know what to make of it - I have some deadlines coming up and other things I need to work on. But I wanted to put this out there. I will reflect on it more later.